Dear California

Dear California

Dear California,

(cc Nevada and Massachusetts)

Welcome to legalized recreational marijuana!  We are grateful you accepted our invitation to joint us on this adventure to a higher state.  For years we have been blitzed and stoned by the media and the rest of anti-weed America for our decision to let our citizens freely bake their ideas.  To put it bluntly, our path has been dimly lit and a bit Rocky, so you marijuana take our advice since we have such high expectations of our buds to the West.  So before you take that first hit and send your future up in smoke, here is what we’ve learned…

  1. FIRST TIME:  If you’ve never tried marijuana before, make sure your kids are in bed.  Previously simple tasks like dishing up spaghetti or putting on a diaper are infinitely more challenging amidst uncontrollable laughter.
  2. CIRCLE OF TRUST:  Find someone you trust to be sober and assure you that you can’t “go back in time” or “drown in the shower.”
  3. PROTECT:  Children and pets love “treats” regardless of how much weed is in them.  They will find your edibles no matter how “high up” or “locked” you keep them.  Trust me, there is nothing more frightening to a dog or toddler than getting high.
  4. GO SLOW:  Just because you can’t stop coughing with your first joint does not mean “it isn’t getting in your system”.  Edibles take 30-60 min to have an effect, do not keep eating more because you do not “feel it” immediately.
  5. MUNCHIES:  They are real, and they are powerful. Plan ahead and make sure snacks are nearby at all times.  Just by writing about pot I ate 2 bowls of cereal, 3 Reese’s, and a Pop-Tart.
  6. POCKET CHANGE:  Carry extra pocket money for the vagabond population in your town that is likely to triple in the next year.
  7. SELFIES:  Do not take selfies while high. They are bound to show up on social media and get you fired, or onto your child’s future wedding video montage.
  8. WATCH OUT:  Prepare to avert your eyes from stoned hippy retirees who think yoga pants are just as comfortable and stylish on them as college girls.
  9. BE THRIFTY:  Now that it’s legal, look for weed coupons in the local paper to save some cash…seriously.
  10. DREAM BIG:  Start thinking about how to spend the financial windfall of income from taxed marijuana.  I’m thinking gold-plated skate parks for the kids with luxury smoke shacks, etc.

So welcome to the statehood California!  Try not to blow it, the stakes have never been higher.

Your Friend,