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Magic Carpet – A Toilet Tale

My buddy once told me about the toilet version of The Magic Carpet.  Have you not heard of it?!  It’s a life saver, and as much as some of you will turn up your noses, just you wait…it may come in handy.

Airplane food doesn’t get a Michelin Star Rating.  We all know that.  And yet, even when we are sound asleep in the most reasonably comfortable positions, we still wake up for the drinks and meals. Why?!  We all know it’s not worth it.

I travel internationally a lot.  So we get a full meal a couple times towards our destination.  On one hand, I’m grateful for the meal.  On the other, I am fully aware that my lactose intolerance has it’s own decision making abilities.  It’s a crap shoot really.  And for the most part, I’m fine!  However there are times…

I was going to Buenos Aires.  The flight attendant gave me a meal that I later found out had mayo.  Mayo – for those of you with lactose intolerance – is like a gallon of milk concentrated into one tablespoon spread.  It’s like a cow showed up and brought it’s other gang of cows to beat the living shit out of your duodenum, colon, and rectum.

Luckily, I know Luke.  He’s an airline pilot and all around badass that also has shit for plumbing intestines.  He told me about The Magic Carpet.  The tricks of the trade for airline pilots that need to take a dump and want to make the evidence disappear.

I’m pacing the cabin because there’s a line at the toilet…and there’s people starting to queue behind me.  My mind is racing and wondering what’s taking the current user so long?  Will I shit my pants before I get in?  Do the others notice my inner pain?  These are the thoughts I have.  Making deals with God kinda thoughts.

Finally I get into the toilet.  I want to be mindful of the next person so I use The Magic Carpet.    I do this while rapidly picking up and putting down each alternating foot in some sort of rushed merengue to keep myself from dumping my boxers.

Listen up!  Here’s how it works – I carefully line the bowl of the toilet with toilet paper.  The idea is to do your business so that all of your…”plops” land on the toilet paper.  When you’re done, you just flush the toilet and the suction removes all the toilet paper in one fell swoop and clears the evidence.  Simple, right?

Well, I didn’t account for the sound – and probably the smell.  People outside probably thought I was fishing with dynamite!  So I tried doing kegels to lower the volume.  Face in hands, praying for the next one to be quieter.  It then changes from a slow whoopie cushion sound to small rapid arms fire.  All the while there’s a crowd outside the door.

There’s no good way to do the walk of shame out of a bathroom stall during a flight.  Especially when the crew is also there.  Watching me…staring at me…judging me.  If I were smart, I should have just shaved my beard and then grew a new one when I landed.  But I didn’t.  And everyone knew…they knew.

Luke – if you’re reading this, please advise on the rest of the instructions for The Magic Carpet.  My experience was a failure.